Life in Dual colors

3.29.2013

The pathway beyond @ 2:07 PM

"I walked across and empty land, I knew the pathway at the back of my head"

Head, I know that I should keep my head in the game, to keep my focus up, but once or twice, you find yourself lost in transition. Not because you've grown lax or time suddenly decided to switch on it's engine and you're part of the bunch that it tramples on. It just so happens that, the world has grown to confusing to understand, people change, times change, and though you're suppose to know where or when your suppose to put yourself out there, you hesitate. Just because you know you that it isn't the same path you've walked before, things, situations, feelings and people change.

"Simple thing where have you gone? So tell me when you gonna let me in? I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin"

Where do I begin? things have been so chaotic lately, drastic changes have been happening, and I feel that I'm still where I started. I know that I can't let them know how screwed up my mind is, but I just can't take it anymore, one moment, everything is well, and the only thing that mattered was getting by, now I have to deal with emotions. I have to feel this kind of pain, and being vulnerable is something I'm terrible at/ I feel that keeping things to myself, hiding underneath these fake plastic sheets of joy would make dealing with the feeling of loss bearable. But I guess it doesn't work that way. I'm growing tired and restless, where do I even begin, recounting it won't make things easier but denying would only mean lying to people and to myself above all.

"This could be the end of everything, so why don't we go somewhere only we know"

There's no place like home, then there's your home. Its one of the few places that I know I can think, I can meditate and I can pray. It saddening to know that it's been 6 months since we laid you to rest there. and to be honest it's not getting easier. I miss you everyday, and I know that She misses you most. I don't know where to begin, and I feel that I haven't been myself lately, I'm finding out that life toughens you up and that it hardens you till your stone, till you're numb, I know I've seen its effect on Her, and I feel that I'm slowly turning into stone. I can't deal with these emotions anymore, I'm tired, but who am I kidding. It doesn't really change the fact that you're gone, and things are a mess at home. I'm not angry at you, its just that I miss you, and I know that saying I miss you won't really change things around here, it won't bring you back and it won't really take the pain were feeling away. 6 months is a long time, but it seems that life goes on for everybody, I still have flashes of those 2 weeks, that were the best an d worst moments with you. I thanks God for those two weeks, and yet I hated them. It brought upon this trauma I have with hospitals and recently I just found out with praying the rosary. We did try, and We did do everything, and yet We still lost you. I guess its doesn't really work that way, we can't always have what we want, trying when its never enough and letting go when its too early. harsh ironies in life I guess.

I guess I'll see you later, Somewhere only we know.